


John

by Chole



Series: tumblr fluff and other stuff [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, Post Reichenbach, depressed!Sherlock, love letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:08:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chole/pseuds/Chole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock isn't coping without John, so he devises a plan, and writes everything he was afraid to say, on a blog, in hope that maybe one day John will see it and remember his friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	John

John,  
I don't really know why I am doing this, or what I will get from it, but I need to say it, and part of me wants you to see this, that's why it's a blog not a letter. But part of me doesn't want you to see it because then you know I am alive and I have lied to you and put you through pain. I expect you are in pain, but then you might not be, I don't know. I am in pain John. It hurts, I feel empty and cold and so numb, if this is what it is like to be human, then I am much happier closing everything off, not feeling at all. I am trying to comprehend how I can feel so hollow, like I have no heart yet still be alive. I don't understand why anyone would want to feel. But that is besides the point. John I miss you and I need you, I never realized it before but I had expected us to be together for years to come, although our relationship was not anything of the sort, we were becoming domestic. Before I never really thought anything of it, I had nothing to compare it to, that's just how friends were right, but now I think I felt something different John, you made me feel different, and that makes me feel warm inside but worries me at the same time. I cry, I prided myself on my lack of crying through out my life. I always felt it was stupid and pointless, a waste of energy, but now I do it everyday. Sometimes I have a full on breakdown where I just cry for hours on end, most nights I cry myself to sleep (never had I done that before) but often I barely notice I am crying, until my breathing becomes laboured and I notice the wetness on my cheeks. John, you have made me more human than I thought possible and I loathe it. I rarely sleep, when I do it is woven with nightmares, the nightmares are honestly horrific. I often hear your voice, sounding like it did before I said goodbye, the terror that laced it, sometimes it is your voice and your words but coming from Moriartys mouth. But the worst one, the most common one is when it is you stood on the roof of St. Barts, and I watch you fall, knowing that you really are plummeting to your impending death. I wake up, shaking, those days are the hardest, I want to run back to you, to home. I have to fight it, and it's those days where I don't leave my bed, I lay there trapped unable to do anything other than scream and cry and run through all the different scenarios that could have happened to you in my absence. The threat of the gunmen are gone, I made sure of that, but now I feel my presence on Earth is pointless, I want to come home to you. I want to wake in my bed in 221B and hear you whistling in the kitchen making tea, I want to see you sat in your chair, newspaper in hands, head bowed, I want to hear your laugh, and your complements. I want to even hear your insults. But I know I never will, and it tears me apart inside. The thought of you feeling even slightly how I do haunts me. I am so sorry if you are, it is not nice I understand that now. How not good feeling is. So I think basically I am giving up, because if I stay I will always want to run back to you, to tell you how I feel, hope you feel it to, but I can't to that to you, and this is another thing that makes me feel not nice, even if I do return it will not be the same, you will not trust me as much and I don't think I could cope seeing the betrayal in your eyes every time you looked at me. So this is goodbye I guess. If you ever do happen to stumble across this, know one thing, all of this is for you, everything I did was for you, the only person who believed me, who didn't turn their back on me.  
Please remember me John.  
I love you.  
SH


End file.
